You call it hiding... You call it rude... You may say he "socio-vanished" ... I refer to it as self maintenance.
I apologize for it might not be well taken by everyone. But I actually can't keep a smiley face and snappy humour 24/7.
"Happy by Farrell" is not playing on a loop in my head...gloomy songs and scenarios take turn in there.
I've tried to overcome that before, to push the last button and force myself to show what's not truly felt. To be who I am not. To pretend. But in the end the crowd goes home and I am left with a debt of dark energy...
Wednesday, 6 March 2019
Saturday, 3 November 2018
Got on a bus today. To where the buildings and people ceased to stimulate my memory. To where I am barely recognisable even though I was born and raised in there. In good shape physically... Maybe to hide what's crumbling underneath the ironed shirt and perfume. Being shook by sad news I was supposed to know earlier... I didn't... How could I... But still I am apparently being held responsible.
Pointed fingers and running mouths... Here and there rumours spread and all of a sudden you discover that you're the perfect hanger some used for...
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
Good evening beautiful,
I know I haven't spoken for a while, maybe out of fear, maybe out of regret, maybe... because I still can't overcome what leaving you have done to me.
I remember that cursed last day: your honey glazed eyes looking down, telling me that you have to... there is no other option, leaving is the only way. My palm on your silky skin, my eyes struggling to keep themselves from crying, reading your lips partially struck partially amazed... I will never see them pieces of heaven speaking to me... ever.
It was a little past 5...
Saturday, 12 December 2015
We all stutter around adulthood, facing the usual crap we have been told about beforehand but never imagined it to be this cruel, this cold, and this isolating.
We all start using tips from the child we once were "To be liked is the key to happiness", so we start gathering friends, as many as we can (with or without filtering), we just need lots and lots of people around to feel wanted, loved, accepted and useful... therefor come the different techniques from pumping their egos, to being their relationship...
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
You get your eyes on it... You make it the prize to get, the person to be with, to get, to care about.
It doesn't always go as planned. You may get so close you can touche it but never make the final step... For sometimes people are either dumb, acting dumb... Or it was you being dillusional from day 1 before that first "Hello" even made it.
You get in a zone so close you watch it everyday without you ever being able to reveal your TRUE feelings... You show them in one way or another, but again people are either blind, taking it for granted, or...
Friday, 25 September 2015
It has been the uproar of society for the last couple months. Unlike the majority of gouvernement bills in Morocco that goes by unnoticed until people are face to face with some hard to swallow realities and consequences. I am talking about the mandatory service bill for newly graduated doctors... a.k.a M.D slavery.
Since the Moroccan health minister announced his plans to Force newly graduated doctors to work under both a two year contract and undignifying conditions in rural world, the majority of the people considered the already outcasted doctors...
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
Isolated, cornered, judged and neglected, by none other than yourself. Finding that "comfort zone" ,and boy how much that word comfort is misplaced here.Stuck in it, unable to plan, to act nor do anything beside regretting every moment you spent there and every moment to come. For you nothing will change... at least not now... not with the actual state of events and your actual state of mind.
Experiences, the fear of disappointing and being disappointed is the anchor that holds your there, hopeless, helpless and refusing any breeze of change that...
Saturday, 20 December 2014
Hello there!
No one knows how much college students suffer during those last 30 days before the finals or the mid-terms. Yes, laziness during the semester might be a major cause for that last minute stress and depression yet students are somehow excused, swinging between the obligations and boredom of studies –to be honest, our programs are not something to be excited about- and the need to have a life and to develop their own selves. We mustn’t forget that college years are meant to be a person’s “years to remember”.
Either it’s laziness,...
Sunday, 25 May 2014
خرجت أجرجر صرفاقة كانت أول ما وقعت عليها قدمي بعد تكليفي المجحف بإحضار خبز الإفطار....أول ليلة أقضيها من مدة في مدينتي، لم يتغير شيء الزفت و نساء الجيران اللائ لا يحلو لهن محادثك إلا و أنت تلعن شياطين من أيقظك من سبات إشتقت له.
قدماي تحفظان طريق الفرن...و جسمي النصف نائم منقاد منصاع لهما. حتى زعزعت دخاشيش ضميري صرخة نداء من حلاقم جل خالقها أيقظت في داخلي ما فشل في إيقاظه والدي، نداء يكسر جدار الصوت (زدت فيه تاني) : " سلسبيييييل.....وا سلسبييل"
أواه، هل إحتلتنا يثرب و أنا نائم؟؟ أم تراها نفسي النائمة تلاعب المهترئة من حواسي؟؟
إستدرت فإذا بالنداء...
Tuesday, 6 May 2014
As all blackholes it keeps feeding on everything.
No matter how hard you try filling it up with laughter, silliness and hard work, it will always be that vacant of a space that wouldn't settle for less than you sucked up in it.
It isolates you in that one corner that it knows would drain you out : remorse. Questionning 24/7 in those sadistically built mazes of subconscious, even though, in advance, you admit the foolishness of seeking a way out.
Therefore we will keep pretending, faking sincerity so well aiming that one day we'll be believed...
Sunday, 4 May 2014
Thursday, 20 March 2014
إرتمى بالقرب مني على طاولته...هي له بوجوده كما غيابه. لا منفضته و لا
الجريدة -التي لا يعلم تاريخها إلا هو- تتحركان أو تلامسهما يد بشر.
أخرج سيجارته من جيب جاكيتة مهترئة بالشمس و الحياة, داعبها بأنامله
العذراء, عذراء كونها أول سيجارة في اليوم, لا ترمى بنهم كغيرها
تغنجت "ماركيزته" طوعا و كرها, منتظرة ولاعة أخرجتها اليد الأخرى في غفلة
مني, فقد ألهتني قصة حب اليد الأولى.
حتى الولاعة و كأنها تعلم أنها
السيجارة الأولى, لم تلاعبه لعب الظهيرة المعهودة, فبالكبسة الأولى لفح
لهيبها طرف سيجارة حائرة: بين لهيب سَكنَ منها ما سَكَن, و بين قُبلة...
Sunday, 16 February 2014
Sunday, 9 February 2014
علِمتُ أن من الموت ما يأتي بغتة....كلمح البصر...موت الفجأة هذا النوع من الموت نعمة ليست لذوي الحظ العاثر أمثالي
نأبى إلا الوفاة على دفعات, خوفا من الرحيل فجأة و يأسا من البقاء. ليست لنا حياة الغير الراسية, واضحة المعالم... عذبة المذاق. قُدٍرَ لنا غير ذلك....وحلٌ و فخاخ و حفر آخرها قبر يسكنه الجسد و تتمرغ فيه روح عطشى لما تمَنًت نيله قبل الرحيل. قد يحِنٌ القدر و يأتيني الموت بغتة....و قد لا أحقق ما أطمع أن أورثه لمن بعدي, ليبقى الأمل في نية تُقبل.
قد يكون لي من الموت حظ....لن أندم على قرار إتخذته, لن أتحسر على شخص تركته, فاختياراتي جعلتي...
Tuesday, 4 February 2014
Friday, 31 January 2014
Friday, 31 May 2013
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Friday, 15 March 2013
If I ever say :”Don’t panic, I
know this like the back of my hand”
You better panic: I don’t know the back of my hand, to be honest I don’t even
know who I am after this time I spent living by myself.
Me and the real me are
like two neighbors that occasionally exchange greetings in an elevator, take
advantage of those shared few minutes to see something new every single time,
something they missed or passed by last time they were together in this
metallic cubical. Therefore, I don’t know how much time would it take me...
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