Got on a bus today. To where the buildings and people ceased to stimulate my memory. To where I am barely recognisable even though I was born and raised in there. In good shape physically... Maybe to hide what's crumbling underneath the ironed shirt and perfume. Being shook by sad news I was supposed to know earlier... I didn't... How could I... But still I am apparently being held responsible.
Pointed fingers and running mouths... Here and there rumours spread and all of a sudden you discover that you're the perfect hanger some used for a long period to explain everything wrong with them... to avoid looking at what would make them seem more human, to explain where they went wrong.
Tried to cope and be the best version of me I can. Always was treated as a better person than I actually was. Always tried to fit expectations and compromise for other people to keep on seeing me as the person I hoped to be. But unfortunately I am only human. Unlike you other divine majestic godly creatures... I got tired. I felt used. I was everywhere trying to do it all by the book. Being the best friend... The best boyfriend... The best son... The perfect student. I can't keep up anymore.
I wasted all that was intended to help me deal with my inner monsters on others. And the day I fell deep down that abysmal pit... There was no power left in me. No hand reached. Quite the contrary actually... I was blamed of being neglecting... Being selfish... Being absent when I should've been there.
I am sorry I wasn't there for you ... I am sorry I was a bit preoccupied with convincing myself not to end it all in a moment of weakness. Sorry I was licking my wounds in silence and keeping on smiling to everyone. Sorry I seemed happy when I smiled and laughed... For I couldn't share the horrific nature of what happened once it was only me, myself and I behind closed doors.
Sorry I am not the perfect friend... The perfect son... The perfect peer... Nor the perfect person you've expected. Sorry the glitter of a fake smile that is meant to keep people away from something only I face daily has fooled you to think I am more than a mere eathling vessel cracking.
This is not an apology even though I have never used this much "sorry" in my whole life. This is to be out here for myself to check it from time to time. And remind myself that turning tables is the easiest path to go. That no matter how good you try to be... It takes only one moment of weakness when you're allowed to be selfish, to be called traitor... To be called worthless... To be called selfish.
This is the price to pay for trying to accept everyone and trying to fill their psychological voids all by yourself.
I am sorry I am not the puppet you wished for. Sorry I am not the guardian you wished for. Sorry I am not the angelic figure that only has your well being for mission in her life.
Sorry ... Sorry Nacer... I made you the least of my priorities while you're the one that stood and will stand by me to the last day... A day that was about to be brought if I wasn't a bit selfish.
