Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Truly yours


Good evening beautiful,

I know I haven't spoken for a while, maybe out of fear, maybe out of regret, maybe... because I still can't overcome what leaving you have done to me.

I remember that cursed last day: your honey glazed eyes looking down, telling me that you have to... there is no other option, leaving is the only way. My palm on your silky skin, my eyes struggling to keep themselves from crying, reading your lips partially struck partially amazed... I will never see them pieces of heaven speaking to me... ever.
It was a little past 5 p.m: sunlight was highlighting your hair while April's wind made it gently caresse your blushing cheeks. You asked for what I was thinking about... I started mumbling words of encouragement and trying as hard as I can not to be mad... Being supportive has never been so hard.

Rage was bursting inside me for I had years to come planned, I made your smile my mission, your happiness my duty, your eyes my shining beacon of hope.
And now you leave me an empty vessel... took my heart so no other can have it.

Wherever you are: I sincerely hope your smile is still as shining as I can remember. I hope you'll find someone who treats you like the jewel you are, protects you as viciously as he can, and holds you as passionately as possible.
For I know I would have... if I could
Be safe, Be well, Be loved, Be happy

Sincerely

The shell of a once lover

Saturday, 12 December 2015

Epiphany


          We all stutter around adulthood, facing the usual crap we have been told about beforehand but never imagined it to be this cruel, this cold, and this isolating.
We all start using tips from the child we once were "To be liked is the key to happiness", so we start gathering friends, as many as we can (with or without filtering), we just need lots and lots of people around to feel wanted, loved, accepted and useful... therefor come the different techniques from pumping their egos, to being their relationship consultant/ shrink/ mother hen...
Next step is them taking it for granted and you being treated with nothing but disrespect, on purpose or not. You'll start to feel unappreciated, unwanted then you'll make the big NO NO : "questioning your value, blaming yourself and feeling worthless"... this Idea will be your main anchor to which more balls and chains will add till you sink in the abysmal depths of depression. 
To this social mashup, you add your student life, family problems, relationship status... which if not destroyed by the above, will be already a train wreck and help you free fall.

          Bottom line is: never measure your worth by what other people think... social status is important don't get me wrong, just don't make it the first item of your priority list.
First and foremost you must know yourself, work on it, perfect it, and be an A student when it comes to being you... know for fact that there is no greater love than the one you'll give to yourself, no greater witness to how great you are than your mirror reflection, and specially that no one is better or less than you... better is a term you use to compare your actual self to the previous self...no third party involved.

You be You: Get better at your studies/ job, do no harm to others, smile and share some of the love you procure to yourself with other people around you. 
You have nothing to prove, you don't have to show your progression, you just let the aura of fulfillment, pride, love and self appreciation get to every living soul around you.
After you do your homework, let everything everybody says (the same people you once tried to please) be Water off a duck's back.

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Dillusion

You get your eyes on it... You make it the prize to get, the person to be with, to get, to care about.

It doesn't always go as planned. You may get so close you can touche it but never make the final step... For sometimes people are either dumb, acting dumb... Or it was you being dillusional from day 1 before that first "Hello" even made it.
You get in a zone so close you watch it everyday without you ever being able to reveal your TRUE feelings... You show them in one way or another, but again people are either blind, taking it for granted, or are too weak to give you the answer to blow you away.

You know, what really makes us stand out and be unique are neither names nor bodies... It is stories and shit we feel. So we dig deep and keep that crap down for no one but ourselves to check on from time to time.

You may see the trailer of it, but remember that editors always cut off what hurts the most... One person other than yourself and I say one, can get a peek of the whole picture... Others only get the cropped version.

Sorry I made it long and blurry as the current mood.

Friday, 25 September 2015

M.D...slavery (Modern days slavery)

It has been the uproar of society for the last couple months. Unlike the majority of gouvernement bills in Morocco that goes by unnoticed until people are face to face with some hard to swallow realities and consequences. I am talking about the mandatory service bill for newly graduated doctors... a.k.a M.D slavery.

Since the Moroccan health minister announced his plans to Force newly graduated doctors to work under both a two year contract and undignifying conditions in rural world, the majority of the people considered the already outcasted doctors and Med student as heartless, selfish, unreliable, spoiled beings...
And how couldn't they? Since Mr. Minister has beautifully sugar coated his bill with carefully chosen words such as "patriotism", "noble" and "duty towards isolated rural regions".

The hard truth behind this fairy talish bill, is that Mr. Minister and the government with him started years ago a privatisation policy, aiming to cut off spendings on what they consider "unproductive fields" including education and health.

Mr. Minister accuses us of  being ungrateful, unwilling to work in deprived regions... Us who selflessly on our own expenses and on our own free time climb mountains and visit valleys ,he will be unable to place on a map, just to provide medical care... Us who work 20 hours a week in hospitals plus nightshifts since our 3rd year for the shameful amount of 10$ a month.
Mr. Minister accuses us of neglecting our country's need in doctors.... while in the same time his ministry in 2015 provided only 15 work opportunities throughout the whole country for over 2000 newly graduates.

Mr. Minister : what are we asking for here is nothing more than the dignity of both us and our patients... we are willing to work wherever people are in need ... that's our sworn duty, that's why we chose med school at first... but not under obligation.... not as contractors, but as state doctors... not just for 2 years, but as long as needed....and definitely Mr. Minister not under the abysmal health system you and your ministry are supervising.

If you'd go out loud on media accusing us falsely of being just a bunch of spoiled, privileged, ungrateful brats... we won't do the same... for only our patients are allowed to judge us.
And we will maintain  our strikes, our protests, our defense line.... as long as you consider winning the next elections worthy of destroying your country's health system.

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Sadly ever after

Isolated, cornered, judged and neglected, by none other than yourself. Finding that "comfort zone" ,and boy how much that word comfort is misplaced here.

Stuck in it, unable to plan, to act nor do anything beside regretting every moment you spent there and every moment to come. For you nothing will change... at least not now... not with the actual state of events and your actual state of mind.

Experiences, the fear of disappointing and being disappointed is the anchor that holds your there, hopeless, helpless and refusing any breeze of change that might sweep you out of that dark bloody corner. 

Outside you are the bright, smiling, confident thoughtful and cheerful being you never really are. Wearing that face for a long time you no longer remember who... or what are you beneath it.

Indeed as M.Williamson said "it's our light that frightens us the most, not our darkness"... 

Out of fear... we collapse, out of fear... we compromise, out of fear we never leave that sugar coated hell hole.

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Lazy students's guide

Hello there!

No one knows how much college students suffer during those last 30 days before the finals or the mid-terms. Yes, laziness during the semester might be a major cause for that last minute stress and depression yet students are somehow excused, swinging between the obligations and boredom of studies –to be honest, our programs are not something to be excited about- and the need to have a life and to develop their own selves. We mustn’t forget that college years are meant to be a person’s “years to remember”.  
Either it’s laziness, a love story, family issues, a natural disaster or whatever, never forget that you still have time to do a good job if not great. The key binding all the clues I’ll be talking about below is to never give up, never say :it’s late… I know it sounds cliché but believe me, that’s the one and only key (besides studying like a maniac the whole semester and end up with a skin whiter than vampire’s , no social skills and eyes pending out of their eye balls)

And now to the core, HOW ON EARTH WOULD I BE ABLE TO DO IT IN SUCH LITTLE TIME?
Bellow, are 4 tiny baby steps that would hopefully help you answer that question:

1 – Let’s get ourselves stressed a bit more before we start:
Yes, I am not drunk and I mean what I wrote. In order to cool down a bowl of soup quickly you should bring the hottest parts sitting in the bottom upside and release all the heat at once, otherwise you should wait way longer for it to cool on its own.
Take a calendar, and start counting how many days you still have left, once done you should make a list of all the subjects you’ll pass that semester and put them in the same order you’ll pass them into. After this you are probably more aware of how much trouble you’re in, and you know how serious the situation is. Acknowledging the problem is the first step toward solution (Oh sweet l! I sound like Dr.Phill -_-).

2 – Never work as a lab rat in the last minutes:
A weird tip, but give it a thought and you’ll see where I am heading.
90% of us last minute workers have a need to ask other people about their study methods, and how can we improve ourselves, and is the time we counted in the step before would be enough to study everything? it’s like we need their approval or blessing to start working.
This is one of the leader causes of failure. I am not playing Oprah here, but by doing so you are crashing the tiny amount of self esteem you still have after knowing that you’re in a critical situation and that your semester depends on the few following days.
It’s not the time to start doubting your methods, and remember that each one of us have lacks and special features, so you mustn’t compare yourself to anyone else, it’s the biggest harm one can do to one’s self.

3 – Stay alert to your inner demon’s demolition plans:
After knowing we are doomed and assuming it, and after getting confidence in our own methods and our own selves, we must know that our subconscious is always influenced by the outside way more than it shows, therefore, once it’ll feel us getting on the right path, it’ll try sabotaging us by so many ways. I can only recite a few:
-          Over sleeping: A major red code alert. We all have those mornings or afternoons where we can’t get out of bed, we’d love to keep on sleeping, to escape the world, we can’t study, there’s not enough time, who am I fooling with this crap? Even if I get up it is only 3 hours till sunset and it’s over. NO
-          I can’t remember anything: Don’t believe that falsified feeling of you being dumb, or unable to get any piece of information to stick to your mind. It’s only games you are playing to keep yourself from achieving the possible.
-          Procrastinating: “Since I finished this early today, I’ll leave the next chapter until tomorrow morning, so I would remember it all, I am tired right now” NO, again it’s only an excuse and remember that every extra effort you make, every time you finish early, every minute you earn could be used in rest later.
The 3rd step recommend that we must be as aware as possible to any inner attempt of destroying what the steps before have built.

4 – Beware of Mr/Ms know it all:
Now that we protected ourselves from the inside, we shouldn’t forget that we live in a world where people aren’t always kind and pink and fluffy and full of candies. We all have people around us that wouldn’t want us to do it better than them, and it’s ok because we are human. Greed, jealousy and envy are default settings in a human being.
We all have those people around us who try to play The rescuer at that critical time, and I let you the honor to remember scenarios from your own experiences :D.
 The best answer to those would be: Thank you but NO!
The last thing you need is someone to increase your doubt about yourself, always keep in mind that you are doing your best, you are doing well, and it would pay off, just keep doing it the way you see fit. And never let go, never be passive and say: I’ve done all I can. If the exam paper wasn’t looking you in the eyes, you still have time to improve yourself.


I know I am in no position to give advice, since my experience is as immature as it can be. But what’s written above is what I personally follow every time I feel screwed ^^. Your advice, suggestion and questions would make the perfect add to this post, and hopefully it’ll get your approval.

Peace and work your butt out of exams.

Sunday, 25 May 2014

في حينا سلسبيل

خرجت أجرجر صرفاقة كانت أول ما وقعت عليها قدمي بعد تكليفي المجحف بإحضار خبز الإفطار....أول ليلة أقضيها من مدة في مدينتي، لم يتغير شيء الزفت و نساء الجيران اللائ لا يحلو لهن محادثك إلا و أنت تلعن شياطين من أيقظك من سبات إشتقت له.
قدماي تحفظان طريق الفرن...و جسمي النصف نائم منقاد منصاع لهما. حتى زعزعت دخاشيش ضميري صرخة نداء من حلاقم جل خالقها أيقظت في داخلي ما فشل في إيقاظه والدي، نداء يكسر جدار الصوت (زدت فيه تاني) : " سلسبيييييل.....وا سلسبييل"
أواه، هل إحتلتنا يثرب و أنا نائم؟؟ أم تراها نفسي النائمة تلاعب المهترئة من حواسي؟؟
إستدرت فإذا بالنداء من نافذة في حينا، ليس من يثرب....و موجه لطفلة كانت تمشي أمامي دون أن أنتبه.
تخيلت هاته السلسبيل قطعة من الجنة حين لمحت تنورتها المزهرة، لتتتهشم تخيلاتي على أرض الواقع.....إستدارت الفتاة، فإذا بخد مزركش بالملونات، و الخد الثاني بخنائنها التي أبدعتها ريشة كم قميصها و أنفها الأفطس. شعر تبنى نظرية الفوضى في أبهى حلة و صرفاقة تنافس صرفاقتي في البشاعة، تجاوزت أصابع "شرشبيل" حدودها الجغرافية رغم صغر سنها.

تعوذت بالله من الشيطان الرجيم....فاختفت الفتاة....إنسلت خلفي ملبية نداء أم سلسبيل.
وكلت الله على تركيا و مسلسلاتها التي طلت أحيائنا بأسماء تاهت عن أصحابها.

تابعت مسيرتي نحو الفرن....النهار باين من صباحو.

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Glimpse

As all blackholes it keeps feeding on everything.
No matter how hard you try filling it up with laughter, silliness and hard work, it will always be that vacant of a space that wouldn't settle for less than you sucked up in it.
It isolates you in that one corner that it knows would drain you out : remorse.  Questionning 24/7 in those sadistically built mazes of subconscious, even though, in advance, you admit the foolishness of seeking a way out.

Therefore we will keep pretending, faking sincerity so well aiming that one day we'll be believed by our own pathetic wandering selves.

Sunday, 4 May 2014

يعتبرونك سهوا أنثى

بديع الجمال علام الغيوب
خلق الإناث جنان البصر
إلاك بصوت يعلو بالعيوب
و ووجه به من لعنات الغجر
من رآك ففرض له أن يتوب
و يفر و ينسى دعاء السفر
مكياج في وجه شديد الشحوب
و جسم أضناه قضاء الوطر
خبيثة نفس تعيف القلوب
و تدمي العين إن طال النظر
بوصفي لك نلت من الذنوب
حظي و عذري أني بشر
رثاء "أنثى"

Thursday, 20 March 2014

نَطَرَات

إرتمى بالقرب مني على طاولته...هي له بوجوده كما غيابه. لا منفضته و لا الجريدة -التي لا يعلم تاريخها إلا هو- تتحركان أو تلامسهما يد بشر.
أخرج سيجارته من جيب جاكيتة مهترئة بالشمس و الحياة, داعبها بأنامله العذراء, عذراء كونها أول سيجارة في اليوم, لا ترمى بنهم كغيرها

تغنجت "ماركيزته" طوعا و كرها, منتظرة ولاعة أخرجتها اليد الأخرى في غفلة مني, فقد ألهتني قصة حب اليد الأولى.
 حتى الولاعة و كأنها تعلم أنها السيجارة الأولى, لم تلاعبه لعب الظهيرة المعهودة, فبالكبسة الأولى لفح لهيبها طرف سيجارة حائرة: بين لهيب سَكنَ منها ما سَكَن, و بين قُبلة الولهان مجنون لَيلًاه

أخذ نفسا كأن الحياة ستتوقف, حثه على المكوث حتى إرتخت المهترئة من عضلاته, ليخرجه على مهل مستمتعا بلوحات يرسمها الدخان بريشة شاربٍ كثٍ

أتت قهوته, لا يسأله الكارسون عن نوعها أو يومه, فهو المعتاد, هو مول الشي. ريحها الزكية توقظ ذكرى الكانون و خبز الشعير و الحسوة, ذكريات تعكر صفوها النطرة الثانية.... لا تهمني, فالأولى هي العلاقة هي الحب و ما بعدها روتين و حركات و شهيق و زفير


تعبت يده من مطالب السيجارة, أضناه الحمل و التقبيل و الزفير, فتدلت بين أنامله, في غَيابات اللامبالاة.
أنيستها الوحيدة, قهوة فقدت ريحها في إنتظار من لا يبالي.

Friday, 21 February 2014

أب



 إستهلت لغة الضاد أبجديتها بلقبك : أب... فلها الشرف كل الشرف


          لم نكن أعز الأصدقاء يوما, لم نقم يوما بنشاطات الأب و إبنه. فبوصلتانا كانتا و لا زالتا تشيران لإتجاهين مختلفين.
لطالما ساد الصمت جلساتنا, كسره حديث سطحي عن بديهيات الحياة, فلم نألف الغوص أعمق من ذلك في نفسينا... لكن أهم ما دار بيننا من حديث, كان صمتا. 
إختلفنا و تشاجرنا غير ما مرة ,و أمضيت أياما حانقا على قرارات رأيت حينها فيها من الظلم و الإستبداد ما رأيت. لتعيدني فطرتي لظل حماني و لا زال : أب.
 
لم نكن الأب و الإبن المثاليين...فعيوبنا لا تعد و لا تحصى, لكنك كنت و لا زلت في وقت غادرني فيه من كنت أكلمهم بالساعات الطوال...و أشارك معهم جامح الأحلام.

          كنت أظن أن جور الزمان في عثرات دراستي التي ألعنها بكرة و أصيلا... في حين أن عذابي و سعيري حين تنهشني الحياة في شخصك, مرضك يبكيني و أنا الذي مات جُلٍي... حزنك يخنقني و أنا الذي أصبحت أضرب عرض الحائط بالأحاسيس...طيبتك و حلمك ... لن أكمل... فلا نفسي و لا جسدي يقويان على قول ما تبوح به عيناي لك سرا.


لست بالإبن البار...قصرت و لا زلت أقصر في حقك... فعذرا, و لو أنك لن تقرأ إعتذاري.

أنحني إحتراما
أنحني إجلالا
أنحني لأقبل قدميك... أبي.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Be my valentine ... Again



February 14th, 

once again spending it with a hand full of flower and a rushing mind full of bursting love words and heart melting metaphors.

I do believe in the sanctity of love, that myth that I won’t stop believing in to my last breath. The myth that kept sending proofs that it actually exists. 

Still remember those 4 month of my life, unfortunately it was past the 14th of February, but it felt so every day.

I miss those long awkward but rewarding moment of silence, the eye talking even though the lips were melting in one another. The hair swipe and that tiny smile from the lip corner that makes us 100% sure of being synchronized.


I messed what I miss. But I’m still holding for you, every day the mind full of romance…and twice a year, a hand full of roses.

Happy Saint Valentine’s day.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

أوصيكم

علِمتُ أن من الموت ما يأتي بغتة....كلمح البصر...موت الفجأة
هذا النوع من الموت نعمة ليست لذوي الحظ العاثر أمثالي

نأبى إلا الوفات على دفعات, خوفا من الرحيل فجأة و يأسا من البقاء.
ليست لنا حياة الغير الراسية, واضحة المعالم... عذبة المذاق.
قُدٍرَ لنا غير ذلك....وحلٌ و فخاخ و حفر آخرها قبر يسكنه الجسد و تتمرغ فيه روح عطشى لما تمَنًت نيله قبل الرحيل.

قد يحِنٌ القدر و يأتيني الموت بغتة....و قد لا أحقق ما أطمع أن أورثه لمن بعدي, ليبقى الأمل في نية تُقبل.
قد يكون لي من الموت حظ....لن أندم على قرار إتخذته, لن أتحسر على شخص تركته, فاختياراتي جعلتي ما أنا عليه اليوم.
قد لا أكون من أريده....فجُلٍي صورة عما تريدون رؤيته...و حقيقتي بيني و مرآتي.

أريد جنازتي حفلا...أتلوا القرآن بأجمل تلاواتكم, و أكرموا من مر بخيمتي ....علً من ابتسم بعد وفاتي كفًارةٌ لمن خذلته و أنا حي أرزق.
 لا تُحَمٍلوا كلامي فوق ما يحمل....فما أنا إلا من أبى النوم لقياه, و ارتأى الإعتراف لكم بحب أخفاه فرطُ المُزاح.


Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Blurr

    
      You know what's harder than devastation?

Friday, 31 January 2014

عودة


غادرت دون إنذار. تركتك وحيدة. غيرت أولوياتي و أرقامي عَلً ذلك يوفرعلى كلينا مشقة الوداع

Friday, 31 May 2013

I'm sorry



For once in my life I thought I found the recipe for happiness. For once I thought I couldn't get any happier, and I was right since no matter how hard I tried afterward I failed.

Friday, 22 March 2013

The one true love: Happy mother's day


        


          Every time I go back to my home town for a few days of well earned peace of mind, she starts her childish cute morning ritual: she break in to my room (yes I said BREAK IN because she means serious business), and she starts wiping the windows and the desk while I am asleep, making sure to make as much noise as she can even with the light brochures that my sister always leaves behind her every time she works there.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Disgraced...


      

          It was not my first time getting into that vast crowded space, everything seemed so familiar, but this time with a small yet awkward twist.

Sunday, 17 March 2013

My one and Only


      

          “I thought love was only true in fairy tales” that was my case, unfortunately I am infected.
Yes, I used the term infected because I feel weak, bruised, tortured, my defenses are low, my brain gets goofy every time that long straight lined skirt of hers passes next to me.

Friday, 15 March 2013

Free fall : past midnight confessions



If I ever say :”Don’t panic, I know this like the back of my hand”
You better panic: I don’t know the back of my hand, to be honest I don’t even know who I am after this time I spent living by myself.

      Me and the real me are like two neighbors that occasionally exchange greetings in an elevator, take advantage of those shared few minutes to see something new every single time, something they missed or passed by last time they were together in this metallic cubical. Therefore, I don’t know how much time would it take me to get to know me, to get on my good side, and to finally be able to understand and live with me.

      The last two weeks I spent saw him (him is referring to the real me) weak, as weak as a human being can be: emotionally, physically, mentally you name it, he was to be seen through. Couldn’t hide his anger, his frustration or his fear it was like others could read right through his mind and anticipate his words, moves and gestures. I felt pity for him
He had to have a confident, someone that would voluntarily listen to him while having his back. But I kind of accidentally overheard a phone call of him where he was shouting something about his best friend being an ass lately, so I guess farewell for the support system idea.

I was use to seeing him every morning out for a jog and then, back on time for breakfast (God I loved the Italian coffee smell that reeked out of his apartment), before going to college leaving the elevator with a musky cent of the 2011 Carolina Herrera fragrance or the Sport version of Channel’s Allure. But not anymore, I heard that he can barely make it out of his bed lately, giving up his usual morning shower and wearing whatever was in his reach. Even after 9 hours of sleep he woke up like a zombie thinking about nothing else than his next encounter with that fluffy cold pillow of his.

Don't forget to check my new article : "My one an Only" <3

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